Heart Strain

Yes, it is you whom I love,

I love to cherish,

I love to love,

It might ache through my bones,

Those heartless words,

It will all just fade -

Given all the time in the world.

Emotional Senses

The gray smoke in your mind that crushes your heart,

The anger in your heart that crushes your soul,

The emptiness in your soul that kills your flesh,

What my eyes can’t see,

My heart can feel.

A Night of Hatred Thoughts

You went away because you knew

I can't be fooled anymore.

You didn't love me. You just loved what I had done.

You knew that I don't want to be told on what to do -

but I followed you.

If you knew everything about me, how come

you said you didn't understand me?

I saw you as my role model before. Now, I think,

you better need one.

I should have seen that it was not just love,

but selfishness.

Hatred

I think I love you

At second thought, I now really do not

Don’t blame me

There has been something you got

I know you understand

Is there anything you didn’t?

You acted like I’m the fool

But didn’t you become one too?

You knew I was down

And yet still pushed me hard to the ground

You say that no one understood you

Well do you think they understood me too?

Still apologies reached out

At every corner of your house

Still no way to escape

The memories we made

Yes, I must say

I was dumb-founded from the start

All because of loving you

So never again will you have my heart

Emotions. Defense Mechanisms. Whatever.

I don't really know what to say. I don't really know how to start this post. It just went to me that I have to write this down, maybe about what I'm feeling right now. (I know it's a cliche and an irony to my last post. Apologies.)


Did you ever feel broken, but not exactly that? Feel sad, but you know you're okay? Or maybe upset, but it seems that you're relaxed in a way or two? Well, sorry to say that you're a weird person - NAAH. I guess it's just normal to have these "weird stuff" going in your mind - or probably in your heart? Needless to say, I'm a bit in this emotional crisis and my speculated reason for this is having to miss a person so badly. I know I can just text him and start a conversation, I possibly can, but the thing is - will he answer back? I guess not - mostly, probably, maybe? I really don't know. I would really like to thank my defense mechanisms for this because they sort of have a big help here, so here I am coming up with 5 Possible Reasons for Not Messaging a Person - not just a person though 'cause it's somebody you love (alright?):

1. Pride. Definitely, we all have that to keep.
2. Hesitation. Is there anything important to say? What will I get from him if I do text him? (You won't have a reason to miss him! - Yeah, right.) 
3. Fear. Your heart pounds when you see his number. You already typed hello, but you think it's not enough, and then for a while, you'll think it is because he might not reply and you just gave away too many words without any response - which all boils down to your pride again.
4. Time. If you don't get any chance of staying idle for a while just to think about that person, I bet you have a busy and time-managed schedule there honey. I must agree, it's good for anyone. You're just too busy putting yourself together - or should I say building your pride up together?
5. Love. Well, pride now doesn't have any say on this. Good thing. I believe that it will always end up to this reason - I suppose. This word can explain for itself.

Sorry for being too subjective about this. I might have generalized stuff, so I ask of your understanding. I've been too subjective with what I'm saying about things nowadays, maybe because it has been all about me. I need him now, frankly-speaking, because he's someone I can talk to about everything. It's hard to lose the one you treated as a best friend - especially if you're that person who doesn't consider that label much. 






"You're the sun in my brightest days, at the same time, you're the rain in my gloomiest afternoons."


Maffay :/

The First.

Well, this is my first time to write a blog – oops! too cliché. Actually, this is not my first time to have a blog because I have one in Tumblr, but since I’ve been interested in one of the blogs found here, I decided to start one too. Thanks to Mr. Phim for inspiring me to continue this long-forgotten hobby of mine, but I just want to warn you guys that I’m not a good lay-out designer, so please bear with me while I’m working on it.

First Love?

Moving on, I bet that many of us have and had been in love in some point of their lives, and as for me, I have been deeply in love. In fact, I revolved my world around him – and I regret it – but I was young and he was my firsts. I hope you sort of get me in a way or two, right? I was his firsts too, no doubt, but will it matter to us right now that we’re apart? No. It will just be a memory for us because we will have our seconds, though I’m not telling that I already have, but we have to face the fact that there might be. Before, I thought that he will be my first and my last, guess I was wrong, though we still don’t know what will happen with us in the future. It’s just nice to keep your hopes up without expectations because expectations can kill you. Plus, don’t let your hopes keep you from doing the thing you can enjoy now – how will you know the right one if you’re holding back to those around you or even every people you meet? I should say: There’s no right one, unless the right time comes.

I can’t believe it. I’m saying these things even if what I did before was exactly the opposite. Believe it or not, I limited my conversations with other guys because of him even though I know they’re just my friends and even though we’re not together anymore. If before, I was just parking my car, now I’m on the road again, and it wouldn’t be possible if someone didn’t help me get the engine started – Coi. I hope he will not be able to read this, since he still doesn’t know what he had done for me. Good thing I went camping this semester break because I met that cool dude there. I just had a thought in my mind: “Maybe he’s the reason why I was so enticed to attend this year’s camp, though I had doubts too at first.” Well now, I can say that I crossed my comfort zone which was him and managed to mingle with people especially guys without that holdback feeling. These things really gave me a big sigh of relief, so ladies and gentlemen, whether you agree with me or not, absolutely, things happen for wonderful reasons.

There’s nothing better than the first time – sometimes.

Maffay :)